Just came back from Japan.
It was weird. The feeling of anxiety and anticipation of going back to that abusive lover I like to call Japan almost ate me alive. I worshiped you, Japan; you were my life and entire existence until you betrayed me through your minions and ice cold demeanor; yet I cling to you, you and your language are already a deep part of me, and I’m returning back to you, as I always will.
You’re back in Japan.
A place so familiar, yet so foreign after such a long pause…
And I came from Shanghai to Japan to meet my special Shanghainese man, Ken.
China. It’s a strange place. It leaves me in a constant state of “mao dun,” of utter confusion and contradiction, in a place that makes me feel happy, alive and passionate; yet the overall stability of it all seems fleeting and precious, like if I grasp too hard it will shatter and I’ll be left with nothing.
There was good and bad going back to Japan. Of course, the service is amazing; it’s nice to be constantly thanked and apologized to, no matter what small action I might take, but at the same time…It was cold, emotionless, empty. Seeing the people on the train made me remember why I left the country in the first place.
A heavy hair hangs in the train. A constant barrier of pressure I just can’t seem to escape; the feeling of fatigue and dissatisfaction seeps the ozone of Japan with a gloom that never seems to fade. No one in Japan ever seems to be living, and they all hide underneath a mask of flawed perfection. No one is perfect. Humans must learn to love their flaws.
This is my new life. Two warm women from China that have welcomed me into their lives more than anyone in Japan has. Shanghai is my new future, and I embrace it to the fullest. It is here I’ll make my new beginning, or quite possibly, my life.
Japan will always be with me, but it is no longer the “main.”
“Japanese is merely a temporary tool used to communicate with you, Mary; but English and Chinese, that is what we need. That is what I want.”
It’s what I want to. I have so much more to learn, and like a sponge, I’m here to suck it in.